


This is the Way Life Is

by james



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Multi, Present Tense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-31
Updated: 2011-01-31
Packaged: 2017-10-15 06:36:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/158042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/james/pseuds/james
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's this thing, and Danny doesn't know what to make of it, and he doesn't know if anyone wants it to change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is the Way Life Is

**Author's Note:**

> For tjournal and vickita, who are evil temptresses and bakers. Evil bakers.

Danny knows that, if asked, he couldn't possibly begin to explain this. Not in a way that made sense and was even remotely accurate, at least, because certainly he could ramble on for a good twenty minutes about how sometimes, pretty much out of the blue, Governor Jameson shows up at their door and Steve just lets her in.

Sure, Danny knows there's nothing really weird about that, exactly, except for how maybe a Governor should be too busy to visit them and certainly shouldn't be driving herself in her dingy blue Corolla. But Steve has given her grief about that already, and she just gives him this Look like she's been taking care of herself for a really long time now and no Navy SEAL is going to tell her how to live her life no matter how cute he is and rids her state of unsavory sorts.

Danny agrees about the cute, and agrees about the maybe it isn't that safe for her to be going around without at least a driver to leave them clues if she's kidnapped. But he's learned the hard way when to just shut up when a woman has made up her mind.

Okay, that's not strictly true. Danny doesn't always know when to shut up, or possibly he wouldn't have had to chase his custody all the way to Hawai'i. But he's learning, is the thing, and what he's learning is that his life doesn't make any sense.

He thinks it used to. Wife, kid, cop, Jersey. Life was pretty normal, except for when the Phillies won the World Series. There is no way to explain that one, he knows, except for aliens and mind-control and possibly fairy dust.

This, however, isn't aliens or mind control or fairies, except in the other sense of the word. Because he and Steve have officially shacked up, and the gay sex that keeps happening in every part of the house (and garage, and once in a supply closet but seriously, never again) is a pretty clear indication that fairies are involved. But he doesn't think the Governor is a fag hag. This thing they do isn't that simple. And she isn't kinky -- as far as Danny knows and he really, really doesn't think he could handle it if she's been warming them up to ask them to tie her down and spank her.

Because it isn't about sex, and he thinks he would be able to tell if this was some kind of displaced mothering instinct and she's adopted them as her wayward boys. It definitely isn't maternal when they end up together on the couch, pressed in together and if it was about sex Danny thinks there would _be_ some. But there isn't, not even kissing or fondling or talking about it in any way other than the broadest innuendo that is no different from the things Kono says when Danny sits a little too close to Steve in the conference room and when Steve absently says 'yes, dear' at a crime scene.

He's asked Steve, just to be sure, and Steve looked so bewildered before shaking his head and laughing a little, like Danny was speaking in foreign Jersey-lingo again. Danny would have been offended except Steve wasn't any more certain about this than he was, he just relaxed more and went with it and that's probably how it all started in the first place. Steve being so confident, so comfortable in his skin, that he hadn't even thought that maybe she would find it inappropriate.

Whatever it is. Because Danny still doesn't know, and he doesn't know if him not knowing is holding them back from something the other two are waiting for. But Steve and Pat -- and it's fucking difficult to call her that, even in the privacy of his own mind, because somehow it only seems right when they're all together and the sun is down and the noises from the street have died away.

When they're sitting on the couch, all together, and usually the TV is on and usually Danny only half-knows what they're watching because he's pressed up against her and Steve is on her other side, and they're...doing something, which is not quite cuddling and more like basking in the afterglow except there was no glow to begin with.

If they were naked, it would make perfect sense. Tucked into each other, arms and legs fitting like puzzle pieces. But no one ever says a word about it and Danny hates not knowing if this is _enough_ or if they all need more or if only one or two of them do and they're holding back for the sake of the third.

And he doesn't have any idea which of them would be that third, because he doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't know if he needs something that he doesn't even know about. But when she finally gets up, pulling herself out from them and composes herself and leaves, Danny can't stop himself from wishing.

He thinks about trying. Going over and offering, or just flat out taking her face in his hands and kissing her. But he honestly doesn't know if that's what's missing, or if he just doesn't want to lose the closeness and the intimacy without the risk of heartache that actual relationships bring.

Only he knows theirs _is_ a relationship, even if the only thing they seem to have is occasional evenings on Steve's couch, sometimes talking about cases or politics and sometimes talking about the movie that's playing on the TV and sometimes they don't talk at all.

It could be the conversation Pat is after. It could be that she puts up with their nearness because she doesn't know how to refuse or doesn't mind enough to say so. It could be Steve's fault, it could be his own, and Danny hates that he can't figure out how to push things forward when he doesn't have a clue what direction that is.

One thing he knows. When she leaves, and it's just the two of them again, and they're touching only each other and they finally go to bed, there is an empty space between them. They push it away with sex and kissing and falling asleep with Danny's head on Steve's chest, but it's there and somehow Danny thinks it isn't just him that feels it.

It's very much on that list of Never Going To Happen. She's too high-profile, and even when her term is over she won't ever have a life private enough to explain away living with two men, younger than her and living openly together in what might someday be a marriage.

If Danny can get to the point of thinking the word without wanting to hyperventilate or run back to Jersey. He blames Rachel for that, but Steve hasn't ever mentioned it and he seems happy to have Danny in his house and his bed and his body, if not on his legal documents.

So it's a fantasy anyway, when Danny tries to think about what else he could ask for. He can never decide, which makes it better that he can't ever ask. But when she pulls away and his leg is warm from where she's been pressed up against it, he can't quite help but move his hand just enough that his fingers slide over her arm as she stands.

He wants to take her hand and tell her she can stay. It doesn't have to be sex, but it can be if she wants, but she can stay and they will make room for her and they will make up outlandish lies to cover for it and if she doesn't want to risk too much then it can be only the one time if only.

If only Danny knew.

But Steve always lets her go without a word, without reaching for her, and he's always smiling when he turns to Danny, and Pat always has a kind smile for him when she leaves and when she arrives (though depending on the day she's been having that smile sometimes accompanies masked eyes and a demand for beer). So Danny wonders if it's just him, and he tells himself that asking would destroy too much of what they have and that, really, he's perfectly content with the way things are.

Because he is. She's there, and then she's gone, and he's with Steve and Steve loves him and Grace thinks her new family is the best thing since peanut butter and mermaids. Kono teases him for not wearing ties and asks when he'll start wearing sandals and Chin takes it in turn to threaten each of them to not break the other one's heart Even Rachel doesn't make him scream quite so much, and they haven't had an argument about how to raise their daughter in over a year.

And when they're working, the Governor never lets on that sometimes she sits between them, and when Steve blows something up she shouts at him just as hard as before and when Danny was shot in the leg she held Steve's hand the same way she did when Kono took a tumble off a roof.

Sometimes he wonders if he imagines it all. Then he wonders if they're doing it for _him_ and maybe he should let them go and tell them they don't have to if they don't want.

But then he wonders if she would smile at him when they wake up in the mornings, and she's still between them and Steve is looking at Danny over her shoulder and their hands are entwined and the sun is beaming through the windows. And Danny isn't sure of anything anymore, and he waits to see if something has changed the next time she shows up, and every time she does, nothing does.

And Danny wants to reach out and take her hand, and is afraid that he'll lose everything if he does.


End file.
